In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
