I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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