it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
