when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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