So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
