I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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