You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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