According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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