Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
