So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
