Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
