Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
