I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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