So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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