Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
