if you like me you must not know who I am
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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