I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
