Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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