I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
