nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
