I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
