i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
