I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You are a genius and a whore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
