tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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