I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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