Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
