you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
