Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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