Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's shark week go big or go home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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