BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
