You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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