my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
