oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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