The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
