nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
