Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
