Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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