why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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