I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
