Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
