thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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