history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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