you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
