It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
