I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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