so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
