i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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