Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
