You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
