his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
