I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
