I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
